Like a ninja

Hey readers! :)

Haven't been around much because I don't have internet! Or cable, or pots, or pans....
But I will get internet by "stealing" from Starbucks near my work whenever I can!
Hope all goes well :)

Play acting.

I work retail, and one of the questions I ask my customers is, "Hey, how are you doing today?"


Most people smile, and ignore me.

A smaller number of people say, "Good, how are you?"


An even smaller amount of people answer that question truthfully.


The day after my ex and I broke up, I had to go to work and I lost count of how many times I had to ask that irritating question. And what pissed me off even more was when people asked me how I was doing. My automatic answer is (of course) "Good thanks, and yourself?"


Whenever someone asked me that, I couldn't help but rage silently at them. Scream, "I'm hurting really badly inside and my life is falling apart! That's how I'm doing today! But what the hell do you care? As long as I smile, nod and tell you that everything is great thanks, you can be on your way, guilt free!"

It pisses me off, how much I have to play act. We are all human, and we all have crappy days, so why can't we show it sometimes? Now, I don't want to tell my boring life story to a random customer, but one day I want to say, "Actually I'm not having such a great day, but that's ok - how is yours?"

Customers, society, people in general, all tend to forget that although people in retail are smiling on the outside, they might not be on the inside. 


Today, for the third day straight, I had a killer headache that 8 painkillers couldn't cure. So my temper was pretty much fried and my patience with stupid questions was out the door before I even walked through the door. I've been averaging 4 hours of sleep a night for a short while now, and it sucks. But I suck it up, go to work, and pretend everything's great! Now, I'm not a big believer in bringing your drama to work but I am a big believe in empathy.

Why don't I want to walk to our shipping and receiving department to look for a shoe the computer says we have one size of, for you? Because I'm feeling terrible, it hurts to move and you're acting like a spoilt brat, that's why. It's not that I don't want to do it for you, it's that it causes extreme pain whenever I make a movement. Which is every fracking second. 

You might think everything is about you, but it's really not. I hate to be the one to break it to you.


The next time you walk into a retail store and start bitching and complaining about the people who work there, think before you speak. In fact, don't speak at all. Just smile, nod, and say thanks.


And never, EVER tell us we look tired.

Kia Kaha Christchuch

A year ago, (September 4 2010) my hometown was hit by a devastating 7.0 magnitude earthquake that crumbled buildings and left hundreds without power, water or homes.

Luckily, the quake hit at around 2am, when most people were asleep, and there were no casualties. 

Somehow, the people of Christchurch found the strength to not only stand back up on their feet, but they found the strength to help others stand too.

KIA KAHA CHRISTCHURCH

Roses are red, the chalice is blue,
The cathedral has fallen, many buildings have too.
You can rattle our bones, you can rip streets apart,
But you will never defeat our red and black hearts.
For we are Cantabrians and together we know,
We stand tall together, through anything we regrow.

 *Note: I didn't write that peom, I found it online a few months ago. Also, red and black are Christchurch colours, so I changed the font colour to honour the city.
I also want to dedicate this post to my soul sister, Di. Uno mush :-*

My first migraine

It is the most unpleasant experience I've had since getting my jaw locked up after getting all four wisdom teeth pulled. 

The headache started on Thursday, I can't remember if it was afternoon or night, but it was pretty bad. The next day (today) I woke up to get ready for work and realized it was still there, pounding away behind my eyes. 

Bang, bang, bang. Like a pulsating hammer in my head. 

Since I have never experienced a migraine, I thought it was just a bad headache, so I ate an apple and drank some water. Usually when I get headaches it's because I haven't had anything to eat or drink for a while. 

Sadly, neither food nor drink worked. 

A friend offered me some painkillers, so I took one. I really hate pills, and usually take the minimum dosage if I have to take any. 30 minutes later, my head was pounding worse. So I took two more. 

At this point, I had only been working for less than two hours, and I had a short break due. As soon as I could, I took that break, had something to eat and hoped that some protein would make it better.

Nope. 

I worked for a few more hours, and during this time, I began to recognize some symptoms of a migraine - my mother gets them a lot. 

Noise, every single noise, was pure torture on my head. Lights seemed brighter than usual. Every single time I moved my eyes and my head, my brain felt like it was being smashed against my skull.

Since I work in a retail store, looking at bright fluorescent lights, talking to customers while music blares through overhead speakers, today felt like hell on Earth for me. 

I finally, FINALLY, got out of the store, only to have to drop a friend off at her house. But once I finally got home, I popped two more pills - none had had any effect so far - and fell asleep for about 30 minutes. Woke up, and the headache was still there. Only now I was feeling distinctly dizzy and sick. 

It's been over 12 hours, I've taken.. 8(?) painkillers, and it's still there with a vengeance. 

So... how was your Friday? I hope it was better than mine! :) 

Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites.

What a week, what a week. It's getting better.

To celebrate, have some Skrillex.

Intuition and why you shouldn't ignore it.

I need to learn to listen to my intuition more.

When I get a little voice inside my head telling me that it is too good to be true, I should probably start listening.

Stupid Bob. This is all his fault. My mother and little sister had to move out of the house because come on, there's only so much screwing around they could take. All the utilities were supposed to have been turned off, for some reason only the water got turned off. 

That was good news for me.

The only available apartment that was opened was a two bedroom apartment 15 minutes from the house. So Mum and I took it. I cosigned on the lease and two - three days later, Mum and little sister were all moved in. There was no way I could live in a two-bedroom apartment with the two of them, so I was able to stay in the house. Nobody would care, as long as I took care of the utilities, and they wouldn't be expensive, with just me being in the house.

My boyfriend helped us move, doing a lot more than some of my so-called "friends" who decided not to show up. And later at night after we finished watching Doctor Who, I asked him if he wanted to stay with me a while in the house so we could get a feel if we wanted to move in together, something I was going to have to think about during the next four weeks.

His response was that he didn't want to make a 45 minute drive to work.

I interpreted this as, "There is no way I'm going to give you any maneuvering room here, this is my answer and nothing you can do will change it." So you can probably guess I was a little more than hurt.

Two weeks later, guess who tried to break into the house? No, not my boyfriend. Bob did. Silly old Bob decided at 10.30 on a Thursday night, to get in using a garage remote he had promised he had given up. I just happened to be in the kitchen, which is right beside the garage door, and I heard the door go up. It's not exactly quiet. I ran into the front room, which offers a great view of whoever is in the driveway, and I recognized his profile in his white minivan. There really aren't many people with that specific profile.

Well, I just about wet myself. My heart was pounding so fast it actually hurt, and there was so much adrenaline pumping through my veins I felt like Superwoman.

As soon as he saw the tires of my van parked in the garage, you can bet what he did.

Did you say, peel out faster than a kid stealing from a candy store? Because if that's what you said, you'd be 100% right.

It was funny, in a way, because he was scared of little old me. All 115lbs of me. And he's at least 190lbs. Anyway, I called my mother almost immediately and launched into a recount of what happened, and of course she offered to drag my sister back to the house and stay with me for the night.

Now, I'm going to lie - I was freaked. But I did want to lie to her to stop her from coming over because it would just cause more stress. 

But I did call my boyfriend for some comfort.

Unfortunately he didn't want to even offer to come over. And my intuition pinged.

That night, I didn't even sleep. Literally. Not until 10.30am, and then I only slept a few hours. Needless to say, it was a crap day.

I needed to take my laptop to my boyfriend that night, because that was the only time we both had off, so I made the very long 45 minute drive, half asleep.

When I got to his house, I had pretty much made my mind up that we needed to talk, because I was upset about almost everything. The stress I was under made me feel terrible. The thought that Bob could have gotten into the house that night, and had been in the house before is repulsive to me. And on top of that, the stress that I could potentially be breaking up with my boyfriend. Yeah, the stress was pretty high.

By the time I left his house that night, we had broken up.

I was - am - devastated by it.

It wasn't a screaming match. There were swear words involved, but they weren't aimed at each other. They were aimed at whatever we were talking about.

And for the night, for the first time since we met, I hated him for how he made me feel. I felt like my heart had been torn away and all that was left was a black hole.

The reason for our break up was that he couldn't return the feelings I had for him, because he didn't feel them. It made me feel worthless, like I wasn't someone worth loving because I wasn't good enough for him. Here I was, thinking I was falling in love with this amazing guy, only to realize it was all one sided.


I'm sad to say I put a nasty status on Facebook out that said something along the lines that I'm worth nothing more than shit and I dare anyone to tell me otherwise. I was hurting so bad.

I took the status down after about an hour, because I felt it was a bit immature, and also my phone started going off from a couple of my friends.

Immediately, I shut everyone out. I rejected every phone call, ignored every text and pretty much shut my Facebook profile off.

I hated the world for giving me the courage, for the first time in my life, to love someone because I thought he loved me. In fact, I still hate the world for that.

It's been a few days, and I still haven't really talked to anyone. I prefer it that way, though. I can't handle anybody telling me that I am "so worth someone's love, blah blah blah."

So with the break up, and the Bob episode, I can't even begin to describe the thoughts in my head. I just want some junk food and a a box of tissues.

Compassion

1. Put your mp3 on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button toget your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song now matter howsilly it sounds!.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song.
5. Tag at least 10 friends.
-----------------------------------------
What do your friends think of you?
I am the Highway - Audioslave


If someone says, "is this okay? You say...
Home - Three Days Grace


How would you describe yourself?
I Miss You - Incubus


What do you like in a guy/girl?
Disease - Matchbox Twenty (This is so freaking ironic.)


How do you feel today?
Lifeline - Brooke Fraser


What is your purpose in life?
Lovin' Each Day - Ronan Keating


What do you think about often?
Downfall - Matchbox Twenty


What is 2 + 2?
After The Flesh - My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult


What do you think of your best friend?
Only Girl (In The World) - Rihanna


What do you think of the person you like?
In Between - Linkin Park


What is your life story?
All Star - Smash Mouth


What do you want to be when you grow up?
Mistress- Disturbed (Oh, my!)


What do you think of when you see the person you like?
No Such Thing As Silence - a'tris


What is your biggest seceret?
Disappear - Hoobastank


What do you think of your friends?
Colour Me Once - Violent Femmes


What will you post this as?
Compassion - a'tris


What will they play at your funeral?
By_Myslf (This is a Linkin Park song, they damn well better play this song!!)


What is your hobby/intrest?
Indestructible - Disturbed


What is your biggest fear?
Anytime - Eve 6


*************


I realize how semi-lame this is, it's a chain note thingy from Facebook.. And no, I didn't make any of this stuff up :)

SMKFW

This is one of my favourite pieces of art. Currently, this is on display at Atlanta's High Museum. The artist, Julian Schnabel, must have had some serious crisis going on at the time he painted this... But I love it all the same. I love the how the painting - and don't fry me, but this is my interpretation of the piece - has bold lines, indicating anger, but the colours used would indicate the opposite. Also, if you look hard enough, you'll discover the second person, and the background.
 
Title: She Mistook Kindness For Weakness (SMKFW)
Artist: Julian Schnabel, American, born 1951
Year: 1986
Medium: Oil and modeling paste on velvet
Dimensions: 96 x 72 inches

Thanks to The High Museum for the picture and information.

How long is a 5 inch inseam?

So, I get a phone call today, and the customer (who is a guy, but I spent the ENTIRE time thinking he was a woman) starts asking questions about our men's running shorts.

Customer: "How long are the 5" inseam shorts?"
Me: "Uhh... what?"
C: "Like, how long does it go down your leg?"
M: "I guess it depends on where you wear them and how long your legs are..."
C: "Oh. Ok, let me ask you this: Do they reach down halfway down to your knees?"
M: "I guess it depends on where you wear them and how long your legs are. They are our shortest running shorts. The seven inch inseam shorts typically reach halfway to your knees, while the nine inch reach just above your knees." Did you really not just hear me say that?
C: "Ok, so the seven inch reach your knees?" Did you really just ask me that? Like, for realsies?
M: "No, they reach halfway down your thigh. It's the nine inch that reach your knee." Sigh.
C: "Ok. Yeah, nine inseam reaches your knee. Do you guys sell four inch inseam running shorts?"
M: "Five inch is the shortest our store carries the men's running shorts." Didn't I already tell you this??
C: "So if I'm 5ft 8", where will the five inch shorts come up on me?"

And the best part? He called back again! And I had the joy of answering all of his questions. Again.
And yes, it really did go on like this.
And on.
And on.
And on.

Those itty bitty feet, and that tiny little nose

My neighbours just welcomed another baby girl to the world at 9.19pm August 15.
She's a beautiful, healthy and alert baby girl and I can't wait to meet her!
Hello Rebecca!

In honor of her birth, I want to share a song from my childhood - a song I grew up with and love a ridiculous amount. It's called "Red Nose Day Song" that was written for Red Nose Day in New Zealand back in the '90s, to promote SIDS awareness and raise funds for research. So without further ado, make the world smile...

I need this song right now.

I dedicate this song on behalf of my mother and little sister.

New Years resolution

WAY BACK in January, I couldn't think of a New Years resolution.
Seriously, I was stumped.
I don't have any weight to lose - although I could stand to gain a few pounds.
I don't smoke, barely drink alcohol, do drugs... or so I thought.
What I finally realized, as I chugged down my second or third can of Coke of the day, on January 16 2011, was that I was an addict.
I couldn't do without it. I was a hot mess without my drug. I got nervous, irritated, cranky and miserable without it:
Caffeine.
The year before, I had given up all energy drinks and had been reduced to just Coke. And on that random January day, I thought I might just give it up cold turkey.
So I did.
Now it's the middle of August and I still haven't touched any caffeine. The only exception is when my friend bought me a shot of something with red bull in it, which I almost threw up as I threw the drink back. It was SO nasty. Oh, and two 5-hour energy drinks over the course of two days per drink.
Just wondering, what was your resolution, and did you stick to it this far into the year?

The most amazing date ever.

Today was one of the best days I've had in a long time, with the exception of going to the Ke$ha concert (don't judge me) and going to the Vans Warped Tour.

I went on a date!

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 8 months, and it has been the craziest 8 months. In both good ways and bad ways. We've had our downs and gotten through them by working together, and then we have great days - like today.


Today was perfect - I was *only* running 15 minutes late, the sun was out and my car survived the 45 minute drive without dying. I was very proud of my baby [aka the Swagger Wagon] of not exploding, something she's been threatening to do since I accidentally ran the engine dry of oil.

Again I say don't judge me.

Me and the [now ex] BF

Anyway, I "helped" change the brake pads on his car - and by helped, I really mean that he did all the hard work and I pumped the brake pedal - then he drove me out to the middle of nowhere to this tiny little BBQ place, which he claimed had the best BBQ ever. I had a pulled pork sandwich on Texas toast and guess what? It was actually pretty freaking amazing.

After eating until my stomach was bulging, we drove out to Helen to walk around, let that BBQ settle. Stress has made me motion-sick apparently, and after that meal I was feeling it for sure.

Helen was beautiful, as always. Sunny, not too touristy - it was great. We stopped at a magic store and I found something to prank my little sister with... So I bought it. But I can't tell you what it is, not just yet...

And then finally, the real fun began: the mountain roads.

If there's one thing in the world that he is brilliant at, it's driving. Either like a grandma at times; other times like a maniac.

We spent hours driving through the "mountains" (in reality, they are just giant, giant hills), on a road lined with nothing but greenery and the occasional scenic lookout. We stopped at a few of the lookouts and looked out at the spectacular views they offered - and of course, he managed to do a doughnut in his front-wheel-drive in the car park of one of the lookouts. He is such a child.

It was weirdly relaxing to let him drive about 40mph around hairpin turns designed for 15-20mph. I'm not very easily scared (unlike some of his friends!) but it was a huge rush.

And my favourite part? We went to the spot he took me on our second date, when I had told him I missed seeing the stars. The first time we went out there, the sky was clear and we were able to see the stars everywhere. 

But I also got really sick, from nerves/food poisoning. Like really, really sick.

This time, we went there before sunset and he wanted to see the sunset but the sky was too cloudy. At least I didn't get sick!

I didn't care, the gesture spoke volumes, because nobody has ever done anything like that for me before.

It was a day when I was able to let most of the stress and anxiety, and enjoy the company of one of my favourite guys in the world.

6 Simple Rules for Divorce.

Today is day three with no water. I'm getting very inventive with ways to stay clean and do everything I need to do without running water. It isn't easy or simple, but if people in Africa can do it, then I can too.

Need to shave your legs? 
No problem. Just buy a few huge two-gallon sized bottles from the grocery store and use them. 

Brushing your teeth?

Easy, a bottle of water and Bob's your aunty! 

The toilet?

Uh.. Let's NOT go there. That part is kinda gross.

Shower? 

That's what friends are for. Seriously. 

You may be wondering why on earth I don't have running water. I live in a present-day suburb and no, we are not overdue on the water bill. Even if we were, they can't just shut the water off - that's against the most basic of human rights and the county can get into deep crap if they did that.

No, there is no logical reason why we don't have water.

It's just that the man my mother is trying [very hard] to divorce decided to call up the water people and tell them we were moving out 08/08/11.

Uh... NO!

But the water people didn't know that, so they cut the water off August 09. I came home to no water, after trying to wash my hands. Needless to say, I was very pissed. 

But what makes this whole situation so much more disturbing? His youngest child [my baby sister who is 14 years younger than me] doesn't have access to running water at the house. 

And why is this significant?

Because in two weeks we are going to court [for the third time] to go through yet another child custody hearing - a custody battle over this child. 

I have my theories as to why he did it, my mother has her own. It's a random and stupid move which for a few days put us under enormous strain, yesterday being the worst of it.
But, after being on hold for 15 minutes listening to painfully repetitive crappy music, I managed to arrange for the water to be put back on today under MY name.

Here are a few words of wisdom for anyone trying to divorce a childish, narcissistic and abusive guy:

1. Get him out of the house as soon as you possibly can. 
2. Set up rules and stick to them, and make sure he sticks to them too. If he doesn't, then promise dire consequences and FOLLOW THROUGH. But in saying that, you must also follow the same rules or face the same consequences.
3. Be prepared to hear gossip about you, but whatever you do, don't go spreading gossip about him. Be the more mature person.
4. Take his name off everything you possibly can! Split credit cards, bank accounts, car titles, utility bills etc.. If you don't, then he has the power to take control of them and use it to ruin your life. Seriously, it's all unnecessary drama designed to provoke you.
5. Don't ever, ever, ever, EVER lose your temper. It is what he wants, and it will prove him right. If you do lose your temper or he hurts you in some way, freak out behind closed doors. 
6. And the MOST IMPORTANT rule of them all: YOU ARE NOT AS POWERLESS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. 

I hope these help someone one day. I wish I had known all of these a year and a half ago. It would have made a huge difference.

Children acting like adults, and adults acting like children.

Yesterday, things reached a point where all the stress came too much for me to handle. I'm forced to be an adult in a world where all the adults act like children and I'm the only one who didn't get the memo that acting like a child was ok.

Let me say, though, I'm not a child. I'm old enough to buy alcohol. But I'm kinda new to the adult world and I was certainly not prepared for people to act like this. I thought high school was over and done with?

I thought the petty gossip was over, I thought the bullying was through, I thought we were old enough to NOT throw our toys out of the sand box.

Apparently, I'm very wrong.

I can be a very straight-to-the-point person at times [ok, let's be honest - most of the time]. If someone is wrong, they are wrong and here's the right answer, learn from it and let's get on with life.

You committed a crime? Hell yes you better say you're sorry AND MEAN IT and pay your dues. You are no exception and are not superior to anyone else.

You wanna cut the line? No way, you get your ass to the back of the line and wait your turn JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

What gives you the right to take control over others' lives simply because you want to, or you think you have every right to?

You get pissed because someone doesn't do something the way you order it to be done, so you think you can punish them until they comply with your outrageous demands? Really, assholes?

Here's a fun fact for all you people who think like that:

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT AND THEY WILL [eventually] RETALIATE.

Or rebel.

I prefer rebellion over retaliation, personally. Don't ever stoop down to someone else's level simply because you might want them to feel the same pain you're stuck with feeling. That bully is going to win. Simple as that.

It's up to those who don't mind giving shit right back to people who dish it out. The number one rule in our house when I was growing up? Don't dish it out of you can't handle it.

If you want to be the playground bully, that's cool. Just don't bitch and cry like a four-year-old when someone one day decides to snap back and look for a sympathetic shoulder, because you won't have one around. 
Here are a few easy ways you can be mature and adult in a childish world:  

#1 - Be responsible for your actions. 

#2 - Be the bigger person and don't get down to the other person's level. First of all, you can't fix stupid, and secondly, who wins at a fools argument?

#3 - Know when enough is enough, and when to walk away. This is very similar to #2.

I mean, seriously. When did the world start going backwards?

Hello

Lately I've been feeling really lost and invisible.
My first original poem of 2011 

I’m lost, can you help?

Hello, can you hear me?

I’m screaming in your ear, but you can’t hear me?

Why are you ignoring me?

Do you want me to stay lost?

If I close my eyes to block out the scary things, all I see is darkness

There is no light, there’s nothing at all

But my own voice echoing back.

Happy Day of Birth :)

A BIG shoutout to my dear brother who turned 27 just under a week ago :3


LOVE YOU BIG BRO!

A Thousand Suns

So recently I got to attend a Linkin Park concert when they came to Atlanta, and it was awesome!
Here's a little rundown of my affair with Linkin Park: I have loved them since I was 11, I have all their albums, know their songs by heart and can also rap [badly] along with them.
Oh yeah, it's love.


So here is one of my favourite songs, The Messenger, from their new album, A Thousand Suns: